Your finals

This is my final post before you spread your wings and land on campus. 

Occasionally, there will be some academia involved at university.  It will take place in an enclosed arena which looks very grand before us students file in and ruin the ambience.  The stairs are there to mock your sleep-deprived condition – don’t let them trip you up.  It will be too cold in the winter and too hot in the summer, and you will develop a supersonic talent for hearing which cancels out the symphony of coughing and sneezing conducted every week.   Hearing and listening are two different things, and by the end of the year you will accede that listening might be a helpful tool for your degree.  You might also remember to bring a pen next year.

My last tip is to laugh about your Frank Spencer-esque escapades.  Trust me, no-one else knows what they’re doing either. 

Eat my shorts

The kitchens are student-proofed to a certain extent.  The rest is up to you.  Our appliances have a life of their own, so I have developed a sixth sense:

1.  Microwave food is done when it starts exploding.
   
2. There is a 30-second window between undercooked and burnt.
3. The freezer needs defrosting.  But we ignore that one.
   

In the first few weeks, I leaned far more about food products than I wanted to.  Life was more fun when I didn’t know what my GDA is, and how much saturated fat is in a pizza.   It was more peaceful when I didn’t have to take everything out of the tiny freezer before I could get anything in it.  My brain has retained the exact cooking guidelines of a dozen different styles of chip when it could be housing more useful information, like exam answers.  Also, it’s time to clean the area when your nostrils are reluctant to continue functioning in the kitchen air. 

Next week, The Lecture Hall.

Love/hate relationship

Once you get over the army bed, grey carpet and drab decor, your room will become your own little fortress.  You will use it to store a mountain of leaflets and random freebies from Freshers’ Week, and your hoard will acquire more obscure objects throughout the year.  You will also learn that your food is not safe in the kitchen and anything vaguely unhealthy (and therefore attractive) will migrate to your safe haven.

This all sounds very cosy, but it’s tough trying to establish a daily routine in a room where everything is falling apart.  The previous occupants will leave a piece of themselves behind – a knot of hair, which clogs up the shower and floods your room.  Also in my first week, the sink came away from the wall and the radiator broke.  There will be at least one day of impromptu team bonding at university, where your flatmates wash your hair in a sink because the hot water’s run out.   This is all in addition to the fire alarm, whose shrill tone of blame could wake the dead… and does, at 6.30am.

Next week, The Kitchen.

Get shopped

Don’t take the easy option and set up a delivery account.  A walk to the supermarket is a student’s main source of exercise. 

Food shopping free from parental intervention is liberating, but there are a few tricks to remember.  A supermarket is an environment where it’s every man for himself.  A dodgy trolley wheel will hinder the flow of the stampede and your progress towards the bargains.  Instead of blindly grabbing the favoured (expensive) brands you are used to, hunt down alternatives and try what’s on offer.  A certain amount of downgrading is required to appease your wallet.  The next time you encounter home cooking, a dollop of Heinz ketchup will seem like Christmas.  Taking note of sell-by dates and cooking instructions is another new technique.  You will learn this when your first trolley-load turns grey before your entrée can be glazed.   Finally, avoid self-service if your friendship with technology is strained.  It definitely will be after it’s eaten all your money, overcharged you and accused you of stealing.

Next week, The Study Bedroom.

Hanging out with the washing

University washing machines are foreboding creatures.  Gone is the gentle hum of domestic models, replaced with an industrial reject off the back of a lorry.  Implementing the separation of white and black (and all the annoying shades in-between) is difficult enough for a novice student.  There follows an agonising wait while your carefully-sorted delicates fight a losing battle with a furiously thundering machine.  My clothes have emerged reasonably unscathed from these episodes, but a mini sewing kit is advisable for the treatment of casualties.

Launderette etiquette is essential knowledge.  The rule that applies to other people’s dirty washing also applies to clean washing: DO NOT TOUCH.  Even if the culprit has clearly abandoned their load with intentions to return after a football match/shopping trip/pub lunch, their wares are to be left in the drum.  A trend for claiming machines by placing a Bag for Life on top of them is another act of possession and must be respected.

Next week, The Supermarket.

Starting out

When you start university, you are pretty much left in charge of your own existence. This is challenging. During my first weeks as a fresher, I was in a permanent state of confusion and have compiled a list of “danger-zones” to help other flailing fledglings.

I will start with The Library. Any problems encountered here are exacerbated by the presence of books and the pressure of silence. I had never seen a photocopier/printer before and spent half an hour trying to reclaim my printed timetable from anything making a noise. My technophobia reached crisis levels when I tried to borrow a book and was ushered to the self-service machine. Turning out my purse for secret codes, scanning everything in the wrong position and creating an unsympathetic queue ensued. The book was revered for weeks afterwards as a trophy of my suffering.

I am not just scared of technology. There were many different hurdles just round the corner.

Next week, The Laundry Room.